Fat and Happy

Over time I have realized that the overall attractiveness of men can be measured in three major categories:   Physical Appearance, Sense of Humor, and Wealth.  Over the last 3 months, I have lost nearly 40 lbs and I am continuing to lose.   However, the statistician/human performance expert in me started looking deeper at how weight loss would affect my life.   Therefore, I have put together a Pass/Fail assessment on how weight loss could possibly affect my attractiveness.

Physical Appearance:

I understand that the more weight I lose the better I will look and feel.  But let’s be honest, as I near 40 I am probably never going to be able to achieve those six pack abs that were so elusive even when I was at the peak of my athletic prowess.

The more weight I gained the less Physically Attractive I perceived myself to be:

Since I have been dieting, the more weight I lose, the more attractive I perceive myself to be:

Physical Appearance Score: Pass

Sense of Humor:

Admittedly, I think I am very funny and I can reasonably assume that nearly everyone I encounter agrees.  However, I am hungry.  And as most people know, hungry people get cranky and cranky people are not funny.

The more weight I lose, the crankier I get:

The crankier I get, the worse my sense of humor is:

Sense of Humor Score: Fail


Over the past 12 years I have noticed that the more weight I gain, the higher my salary.

Therefore, I must come to the conclusion that if I continue to lose weight, I will start to lose money as well.

Wealth Score: Fail


Based on the scores alone it is obvious to me that, although I may be more attractive physically, losing weight is going to have a negative overall effect on my attractiveness.  In conclusion, even though I want to be skinny and ripped, I must quit my diet in order to stay funny and get rich.

Disclaimer:  This is purely a satirical piece.  As a stats guy, I realize that correlation does not equate to causation.  However, it does make me feel better about the amount of Christmas Cookies I have been eating.

Happy Holidays,

The Common Sensei

6 thoughts on “Fat and Happy

      1. There are to basic principles two gniinag muscle mass:1. Consistency in training2. Eating above your calorie maintenance level-your maintenance level is the amount of calories you need to stay at your current body weightYour body doesn’t want you to have muscle, and will minimize muscle growth if there is not a surplus of nutrients. In other words you have to eat alot. 80% of your gains of muscle will be from nutrition. Heres a formula to find your calorie maintenence level:BodyBuilding Programs Review Muscle Building Workout Guide BodyBuilding Software NutritionHome :: NutritionHow Many Calorie Do You Need?Everyone burns calories at their own pace. This is because every one has his or her own unique metabolism rate. Hence it is quite difficult to find one size fit all kind of estimation for Calories requirement.We need calories for all our basic purposes. We need calories to even breath and live. We burn calories both at rest and play. The only thing that differ between various activities is the rate at which we burn calories. So we burn much fewer calories when we are sitting and working on our computer as compared to when we are running or going upstairs. While sleeping, our bodies burn between 70-100 calories per hour. This is called our Basal Metabolic Rate, or BMR.Your calorie requirement is dependent on your objective. Are you looking forward to weight gain or weight loss. For people looking for weight gain the idea is to increase your calorie intake. When you increase your calorie intake, the excess calories get stored in your body. Depending on your nutrition type as well as your workouts, these excess calorie may get stored as fat or muscle. What we discuss out here is how to estimate the number of calories you need for maintenance level your maintenance level is the amount of calories you need to stay at your current body weight. Simply, if you want to gain weight you will have to cross your maintenance level.All the tools out there for finding your maintenance level just give you an approximate value. There is no formula to find your exact maintenance level. This can be attributed to the fact that your calorie consumption depends a lot on your day to day activity level. One of the most commonly used and preferred method of finding your maintenance level is called the Harris-Benedict Equation.Harris-Benedict Equation is so popular because of the number of variables that it analyzes. It takes your sex, age, height, and weight into consideration. Other important factors like your heart breathing, activity level etc are also given their due importance. The additional energy requirement of these processes is also taken into account by the Harris-Benedict Equation.The equation is identical for both men and women except that the numbers in equation change.Here is a sample calculation for a guy named Jack:ParametersAge: 26Weight: 175 PoundsHeight: 70 InchesFirst multiple the weight in pounds with the number 13.8, we will call this value as X175 pounds x 13.8 = 2,415.0;Next multiply height by number 5, we will call this value as Y70 inches x 5 = 350.0Next multiply age by number 6.8, we will call this value as Z26 x 6.8 = 176.8Total Calories Needed = A + Y Z + 67 Total Calories Needed = 2655.2Also make sure to eat one gram of protein per bodyweight daily, as this is the prime muscle building nutrient.Secondly make sure that you push hard when you weight lift. Go for between 8-10 reps if your a begginer and 5-7 if your intermediate or advanced. Make sure to it muscular failure on these- the point where you cannot lift the weight for another rep. Also make sure not to neglect your legs and back when you train, becuase when you train them you create more testosterone throughout your body, which is a muscle building and fat burning hormone.Lastly make sure you are making consistent gain in your work- make sure you are increasing the weight or reps each week, to be consistent in your gains.


  1. Well done, Sensei! You have spoken like the man who is not happy unless he is unhappy, and you have given hope to all of us who are in the categories of “husky,” “beefy,” or “portly!”
    Now, please pass the pumpkin pie WITH whipped cream on top!


  2. Gaining muscle takes the same anuomt of focus and preparation aslosing weight. Some important facts about gaining muscle:•You can’t necessarily gain muscle without gaining some fat as well.•There are no magic foods, powders or pills that will allow you togain muscle and lose fat at the same time. Some people can do thisnaturally (again, the genes), but most will gain some fat along withthe muscle•Your body is very different from a bodybuilder trying to gain massto look like them is not the best idea. They have different musclefibers than you and some may even be getting a little help fromillegal substances.•If you’re a teenager, you’ll have a hard time changing your bodydramatically. It’s changing constantly and it will change even more asthe years pass.•Gaining weight requires eating more and lifting moreGaining muscle requires that you eat more calories than you burn. Forthose with high metabolisms, that may seem impossible, but if you trya few of these tricks, you’ll find that adding calories to your day iseasier than you think:•Choose calorie-rich foods like granola, bagels, biscuits, avocados,olives, corn, meat, nuts, peanut butter, milk, yogurt and cheese.•Add extra calories to your meals by using milk instead of water forsoups, sauces and hot cereals.•Sprinkle powdered milk into casseroles.•Add calorie-rich foods (like avocado, cheese and dressing) tosandwiches and salads•Mix beans, meat or cheese into pasta or side dishes•Snack on yogurt, shakes, crackers and dip•Keep a food diary for a week or so to get an idea of what you’reeating and where you can add more caloriesThe trick is to add calories without adding too much saturated fat.You can also consider downing smoothies or meal replacement shakes inbetween meals.Lift, Lift, Lift Once you get your calories under control, you need to start liftingweights. This will help you gain more muscle and help minimize theamount of fat you gain (although you should expect to gain some fat aswell). Folks trying to gain muscle should:•Lift heavy. This means lifting enough weight that you can onlycomplete about 6-8 repetitions of each exercise. The last few repsshould be difficult the last one should be really hard, but notimpossible.•Have longer recovery periods between sets•Have more recovery days between workouts•Use spotters to avoid injury•Continue with cardio, but keep it at maintenance level around 2-3days of cardio a week to keep your heart in shape•Start with a full body program 2-3 nonconsecutive days a week, ifyou’re a beginner. Allow your body a few weeks to get used to liftingweights before you tackle more intense routines.


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